Day 35: Il fait chaud ici, ou est-ce toi?

Listening to: "Agony" from Into the Woods

The title of this post comes from my recent "Flirting in French" lesson. So now I know how to say...

Is it hot in here, or is that just you? / Il fait chaud ici, out est-ce toi?

Hello, beautiful. / Salut, beauté. (Too bad they didn't teach you the awkward eye wiggle that usually accompanies this phrase.)

Tu es mannequin? / Are you a model? 

Are we going to your place or mine? / On va chez toi ou chez moi? (That one was the most risqué of them all.)

Tu me plais. / I have a crush on you. 

Oh, my. If I don't get a boyfriend tomorrow, I'm going to sue this Duolingo company. (Ha!)

But since romance is in the air and on the mind, I have more stories to share! Since I am not going out tonight since I am a huge party-pooper, I will just share my creepy observations from the past few days.

Third-Wheeling with Gatsby

Eh, that's just a random photo of a store I passed by. But since Gatsby is the ultimate example of third-wheeling run amok, I'll use it to describe yesterday evening.

If you read my last post, you'll know that I experienced quite a disappointing meal of risotto the previous evening. But that wasn't the most unpleasant aspect of the evening. Oh, no. When I was seated, I was placed in a window seat, which forced me to step around a couple in the middle of an amorous date. My impeccable timing knows no bounds.

As I settled in and started writing in my journal like a pretentious snob, the voyeur in me couldn't help but eavesdrop on their conversation. It was a very curious situation, though. They had been speaking another language (possibly French) before I arrived, but then they switched to English when I sat down. I find is highly suspect. I think they wanted an audience to their personal drama.

It seemed like typical date night stuff until the guy outright asked, "What do you think of me?"

Oh, man. Way to put a girl right on the spot. My ears perked up for the lady's answer.

"You're unlike any guy I've ever met," she responded. An innocent comment, seemingly, but it could also translate into: You're trying a little too hard, buddy.

The suitor did not seem deterred. I figured their relationship must've been like what I witnessed my friends go through all throughout high school: a guy worshipping the feet of a girl who can't decide how she feels about him. Ah, well. This wasn't anything I hadn't seen before. I turned back to the window.

But later, he pulled out his phone and said, "Look at what she wrote me." Then he flashed his phone screen to his date.

She examined the phone and said, "She definitely likes you."

Wait, what? Now we went from possible couple to friends seeking relationship advice. But in my experience, I've always found those two states mutually exclusive.

"Are you jealous?" he asked.

She went through a whole process of hemming and hawing, basically saying, "No, of course I'm not jealous. Well. Maybe a little bit. A lot of girls seem to like you." I could tell in her mind that her limbic system was duking it out with her prefrontal cortex about whether this guy would be a good mate.

"What do her parents think of you?" she then asked.

I was so confused at this point that I completely missed the guy's answer. But I did hear him say, "And what do your parents think of me?"

So now we were back to relationship drama solely between these two--well, and their parents. I downed my wine glass filled with water (I can't afford to pay 10 euros for a small glass of wine), and the last I heard as they rose from their seats was the guy declaring, "Everything depends on what your parents think. We should go to Milan."

Ah. I thought this kind of strange relationship limbo was reserved for middle school and soap operas. 

Nicer in Nice

We sang "Nicer in Nice" in my first show, The Boyfriend. Thus the subtitle. Anyway, the mention of Milan by this ambiguous suitor got me thinking of spring break and my travels. I've overheard countless of travel plans, from people going to Tokyo, Prague, London, Florence--oh, and now Milan. But then I remembered: I wasn't in class. These adults were not students; they had been talking about their day jobs at one point. 

So they have time to travel? How? Does anyone go to work here? This question is even more pithy when you wonder what all these French shopkeepers are doing after they close their doors at 9 pm. They can't possibly be sleeping. Are they jaunting off to Germany for the evening?

Notes from Shakespeare and Modernism

These are actual notes I have transcribed during my two Literature classes. 

Shakespeare first:

• Ian McKellen was a hunk during his Royal Shakespeare Company days
• Professor just described antagonist of King Lear, Edgar, as "sexy"
• Kid in class just used the phrase "bros before hos" to describe the message of Merchant of Venice; in fact, he said it should be the title
• Professor is telling us about his erotic dream about his second-story neighbor; Freud would have a field day
• No greater blow to the ego than when an ex-lover "turns" gay; class seemed to be in bemused agreement on this one
• Just quoted Mr. Darcy saying, "I thought poetry was the food of love," as a joke, and another girl responded with Elizabeth's line: "Of a fine, stout love it may." Is this our meet cute?
• Great debate erupting over whether Antonio's and Bassanio's relationship is homoerotic; teacher is pro, students against
• Just pointed out that Bassanio isn't clever, only for professor to interject, "Not many people are." Is he trying to tell me something?
• Doesn't the racism and antisemitism of this play bother ANYBODY?

Now notes from us talking about Joyce's A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man:

• Moving on from To the Lighthouse with the very appropriate observation from professor: "All there is to say about the lighthouse is that it's a very phallic image."
• Girls are in deep discussion over various phallic images not in literature but in real life
• Examples include: Washington Monument, Eiffel Tower, Big Ben (esp. Big Ben!)
• Will completely admit that I confused Portrait of the Artist with Picture of Dorian Gray for much longer than any would-be English major should have
• Student says according to urbandictionary.com, a "tusker" is how to describe a guy's erection as seen through trousers; still debating on whether this is what Joyce was referring to
• I don't care what professor says: "smugging" definitely sounds like a dirty word
• Student just revealed that the priest/teacher at his private school wouldn't allow the students to use the word "moist" in class
• After this confession, professor proceeds to use all these words in one sentence: moist, wet, damp, clammy, smooth, ivory
• Impossible to read book now without possibly seeing sexual allusions in every passage
• Student said corporal punishment was used at her private school--wait, school is in Tennessee, not as surprising; she says it's illegal now, how comforting
• Discussion of pleasure vs. pain proves that 50 Shades is on everyone's brain
• As a side note, yesterday, Art prof. said "shades of gray" and you could hear everyone snickering
• Possible argument to be made that all-boys and all-girls schools are rife with homoerotic relationships; students point out that all literature about an all-boys school has lots of homosexual undertones
• Prime example would be Booker's paper on A Separate Peace, but even I didn't need his paper to realize that Gene was hot for Phineas

Wait, will Mom and Dad still pay for my education if they knew this is what we talk about in class???

Doppelgangers

I was quite excited last week to see that one of my good high school friends has a doppelganger in the Louvre. Since then, I've noticed lots of doppelgangers in real life. Especially in Macbeth a few nights ago. Here are some:

The new girl in my Modernism class, aka Emily Blunt

Actress who played Lady Macduff, aka Laura Spencer

Actor who played Ross, aka guy in this College Humor video

Actor who played Macbeth, aka this OTHER guy in THIS College Humor video

Actor who played Malcolm, aka James or Oliver Phelps (the Weasley twins)

Guy who played Macduff, aka Prince Harry

Guy who played King Duncan, aka Albert Finney

Guy who played Donalbain, aka Jack Gleeson (Prince Joffrey on Games of Thrones)

Actress who played Lady Macbeth, aka Archie Panjabi (Kalinda on The Good Wife--or "Boots," as my father calls her)

Guy who played Banquo, aka Pierfrancesco Favino (Vatican Police head in Angels and Demons)

As you can tell, I put way too much thought into this.

Throwbacks

Passing by the ice skating rink, I heard this song, which I can now identify as "One, Two Step" by Ciara. I mean, wow, I stopped because no one in America plays this song anymore. We danced to it at middle school dances, so that should tell you how cool it is now...

iPad Photos

If you think taking pictures with an iPad is cool, what you're actually telling the world is "Please come and rob me!" Also, it looks like you're holding up a frying pan, which makes me think of turning life into a cartoon so I could smack you with it and stars would appear around your head. But in all seriousness, it is not a good idea to take that out in public. My mother can tell everyone countless stories about people getting their stuff stolen, although you don't feel bad for most of the stories' subjects because they were being stubborn and not listening to my mother (my tragic mistake concerning my middle school haircuts, fashion sense, and taste in men). 

Scooters

I wish I were a first-grader again only because scooters are totally cool over here. Kids ride them everywhere, and I even see them on the Metro with them. One body, who looked a lot like a standard child actor who would play Gavroche onstage, was riding all alone. Where are his parents? My mother wouldn't let me ride around the high school track field because aliens were surely going to come out of the sky and abduct me...

Police

It's a little unsettling seeing men with guns walking everywhere. 

Impressions

Last week, I went into Monoprix to pick up some more boxes of tissue. While inside, I had to also get some more [item redacted for the sake of all male readers]--oh, for goodness sakes, I'm talking about pads! (We're all adults here. Hopefully my father hasn't hard heart failure.) Then, given that I was out of breakfast food, I also grabbed a bag of chocolate croissants.

As I stood in the checkout line, I realized that I looked like a girl whose A.) boyfriend just dumped her, B.) PMS hormones were raging, C.) self-esteem comes from eating her feelings--oh, wait, that actually is me--or D.) all of the above. Oh, the shame at realizing this. 

Etymology

A few weeks ago, I heard a girl use the phrase "cold as balls" in reference to the chilly weather. Breaking out my bifocals, I am going to dissect this phrase.

Any reference to "balls" (we all what kind, people) is very crude in itself, but it also contributes to the misogyny ever-present in our vernacular. A bold woman "has balls"--except not literally. So why do we say it? 

Also, as one of my favorite YouTube creators ASAPScience told me, balls are not cold. In fact, they're warmer than what most of us would consider "good" weather. So everything about that statement was just plain wrong.

We need to watch what we say. Or, you know, avoid people like me who will analyze it to death for the sake of "entertaining" any other obsessive grammaphiles out there. :)

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow!

Ah, but you'll have to wait and see. :D